HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE
4 steps before you go out looking for your ultimate soul mate
STEP 1 : Identify your Past Patterns and Relationships
IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT.
Has everyone you fell in love with started in a meeting in a bar? And has every such resulting relationship ended in disaster?
Then it is obvious the only person to look for in a bar is someone you'll fall madly in love with for at least 2 hours, and spend months if not years regretting it.
Change you hunting grounds.
The core thing to consider is a good relationship requires something in common beyond sex. Thus, if you like to sail, look for your companion in a sailing club or at the dock.
If you like drama, join the local amateur theatre company even if you have to be the ticket-taker. You'll meet a lot of people interests in drama.
If you really like to collect antiques ...then see who of the opposite sex is at the antique shops, markets and auctions looking for goodies like you are. This one is very important if you are an antique collector as this really pisses off the other person in your relationship unless they have their own antique pile.
You get the idea...if you're religious go to church...sing in the choir.
If you are a person who wants to go traveling then you look for a partner who likes to travel.
Has everyone you fell in love with started in a meeting in a bar? And has every such resulting relationship ended in disaster?
Then it is obvious the only person to look for in a bar is someone you'll fall madly in love with for at least 2 hours, and spend months if not years regretting it.
Change you hunting grounds.
The core thing to consider is a good relationship requires something in common beyond sex. Thus, if you like to sail, look for your companion in a sailing club or at the dock.
If you like drama, join the local amateur theatre company even if you have to be the ticket-taker. You'll meet a lot of people interests in drama.
If you really like to collect antiques ...then see who of the opposite sex is at the antique shops, markets and auctions looking for goodies like you are. This one is very important if you are an antique collector as this really pisses off the other person in your relationship unless they have their own antique pile.
You get the idea...if you're religious go to church...sing in the choir.
If you are a person who wants to go traveling then you look for a partner who likes to travel.
No 2: Identify Your Problems.
Before you embark on a quest to find your perfect mate, it is generally accepted as useful to be honest with yourself about your faults, quirks, etc.
If you have one or more failed relationships in the past, you know what your faults and problems are...you've been reminded of them many times by your former partner/s.
Now, it is also generally accept therapeutic analysis that whatever one says about someone else is also true about them. So what! That relationship is over!
However, it is not a bad idea to make a list of what things your former partner/s found annoying, irritating, or downright rage-inducing about you.
These may actually be true.
Now, there are some things on such a list if they turn up that you really need to address and correct. If you drink too much, hit other people, act abusively, are addicted to something... you need therapy right now!
But, there's a lot of stuff on the annoyance list which are just you. And you aren't likely to modify that annoying behaviour just because you're in love (actually most people hide their annoying behaviour during the first few weeks of infatuation then blow out and revert to their normal selves).
At the start of a relationship, people tend to focus on what they have in common and not on the other sides of them that are potential relationship problems.
Go to any dating club or internet dating site, and there's very little emphasis on dislikes and issues.
Most relationships start off focused on the positive connections, then the rest of the relationship is spent hassling over the non-positive elements until the point is reached where the couple tolerates (usually grudgingly) the negatives, or the negatives finally outweigh the positives and break-up occurs.
If you have one or more failed relationships in the past, you know what your faults and problems are...you've been reminded of them many times by your former partner/s.
Now, it is also generally accept therapeutic analysis that whatever one says about someone else is also true about them. So what! That relationship is over!
However, it is not a bad idea to make a list of what things your former partner/s found annoying, irritating, or downright rage-inducing about you.
These may actually be true.
Now, there are some things on such a list if they turn up that you really need to address and correct. If you drink too much, hit other people, act abusively, are addicted to something... you need therapy right now!
But, there's a lot of stuff on the annoyance list which are just you. And you aren't likely to modify that annoying behaviour just because you're in love (actually most people hide their annoying behaviour during the first few weeks of infatuation then blow out and revert to their normal selves).
At the start of a relationship, people tend to focus on what they have in common and not on the other sides of them that are potential relationship problems.
Go to any dating club or internet dating site, and there's very little emphasis on dislikes and issues.
Most relationships start off focused on the positive connections, then the rest of the relationship is spent hassling over the non-positive elements until the point is reached where the couple tolerates (usually grudgingly) the negatives, or the negatives finally outweigh the positives and break-up occurs.
No 3: Honesty is the Best Policy.
Now, this is a very radical concept in interpersonal relationships. One's first thought is "if I tell the truth, he/she is going to blow up and the relationship will end." This is actually true in some cases. Right now, is better than a few years later; because it is WORSE to lie.
Remember, by the time each of us reaches a certain age, we've each done a lot of stupid and foolish things we regret and would just like to forget. Trying to hide those truths evades the real issue--are you going to do that same stupid and foolish thing again? Lying suggests you probably will.
The problem with not telling the truth is there is no way the other person is not going to find out your truth...especially in the internet age.
If you lie, and then get caught, you now have a double-whammy of a problem---the reaction to whatever the truth really was, and the reaction to being lied to. The reaction to being lied to is the deal killer here. Very few people trust anyone who has been caught lying to them.
Unless you enjoy being lied to, then don't do it to someone else.
You might actually be surprised. The other person might throw you out of the moving car when the truth is revealed. Or they might actually trust and respect you even more.
And remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Accept the truth when you hear it. And don't be the one blowing up and rejecting the other person when truth is shared. If you do that, you create a very strong incentive for the other person to choose the lie the next time there is a choice...if there even is a next time.
Remember, by the time each of us reaches a certain age, we've each done a lot of stupid and foolish things we regret and would just like to forget. Trying to hide those truths evades the real issue--are you going to do that same stupid and foolish thing again? Lying suggests you probably will.
The problem with not telling the truth is there is no way the other person is not going to find out your truth...especially in the internet age.
If you lie, and then get caught, you now have a double-whammy of a problem---the reaction to whatever the truth really was, and the reaction to being lied to. The reaction to being lied to is the deal killer here. Very few people trust anyone who has been caught lying to them.
Unless you enjoy being lied to, then don't do it to someone else.
You might actually be surprised. The other person might throw you out of the moving car when the truth is revealed. Or they might actually trust and respect you even more.
And remember, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Accept the truth when you hear it. And don't be the one blowing up and rejecting the other person when truth is shared. If you do that, you create a very strong incentive for the other person to choose the lie the next time there is a choice...if there even is a next time.
No 4: Select a Person to Relate to.
How important is one preference over another.
You might not really care if the partner is of a different religion if he/she is really good in the sack.
Then again, a non-smoker is going to have serious issues with a heavy smoker no matter how good the sex is.
However, lots of other criteria pop up.
The issue is now how many of your criteria are you willing to give up to have a relationship?
The more successful couples with really cool relationships, tended to work backwards from their criteria, only giving up a few less priority goals to get the important ones.
There are clues when they do appear in ones life, but we tend to overlook them. Here are a 3 clues
You might not really care if the partner is of a different religion if he/she is really good in the sack.
Then again, a non-smoker is going to have serious issues with a heavy smoker no matter how good the sex is.
However, lots of other criteria pop up.
- Sport Interests.
- Food and entertainment preferences.
- Body type.
- Pierced or not pierced, tattooed or not tattooed.
- Religious or not. Specific types of religious.
- Social interests
The issue is now how many of your criteria are you willing to give up to have a relationship?
The more successful couples with really cool relationships, tended to work backwards from their criteria, only giving up a few less priority goals to get the important ones.
There are clues when they do appear in ones life, but we tend to overlook them. Here are a 3 clues
